The "Even ifs"

I always sound better in print then I actually am. I’m sure that reflects the rose colored glasses I see myself through. However, occasionally God gives me a glimpse at who I am. More accurately, who he is and how I view him.

In all honesty, I have not loved living life here over the past few weeks. Maybe it’s really been more about me not loving life. (I’m not ending it all or anything, put down the phone) I was let down by some people I loved. What I thought God wanted from us, was not his full plan, I have had some very sick kids, I just feel a little lost and some of the “cultural differences” that I ordinarily would not worry about have started to make my eye twitch. Did I mention we haven’t had power in 7 days?? A chicken, followed by a pack of crazy wild dogs ran through my house while I was trying to clean my toilet! I have had a royal pity party all week long. I have moped and been the biggest whiner all week. I hate whiners!! It just leaked out of me. Of course, I decided to do a study of Job in the midst of all this. You are about to turn off your computer, aren’t you? Clearly, I am not the brightest bulb in the box.

I started this study with my kids. I will say it did lead to some funny moments with Anna saying, “You gotta be kidding me!” and Ella yelling, “Why does the dummy keep opening the door for these servants? They will only bring bad news!” But it really boiled down to I was having what I viewed as a bad week and I wanted to wallow with Job. I wanted to see that someone at one time had it worse than me. I wanted to prove to myself that it probably wasn’t as bad as it seemed cause, well, look at Job. I wanted to find the exact point where God would tell me to stop my belly aching and put on my big girl panties and move on. On a side note, I often think I will work as the voice of God. I sometimes believe I need to be convicted of things and here is how and where he will do his convicting… sort of a controlled life changing experience. It’s quite impressive really. I am so disillusioned as to be my own Holy Spirit from time to time. Call me if you too would like to live in my virtual reality.

This week God chose to love me. There wasn’t a correction. There wasn’t a person sent to me to make me say, wow, I’ve got it good. He just loved me. He also asked me a question. Ok, so he didn’t literally ask me, but it is a question that keeps playing in my head and I’m pretty sure it’s his.

I got a counter in our kitchen this week. We have had a small stove and small sink but nowhere for me to prepare food and nowhere to store anything, so I have had boxes stacked on top of each other. To get this counter was really a wonderful thing to me. Small, I know, but it was big in this house. I found Ella a pair of sandals that I have desperately been looking for. No one had malaria this week! I made a really wonderful new friend and spent some much needed bonding time with existing friends. Aubrey was able to go to a friend’s house for the weekend. I went to a wonderful dance party and danced until my feet hurt. I got a stain out of a shirt that I thought was ruined. (Obviously these aren’t always great victories, but I am counting them all.) Every time one of these events occurred I had to stand back and say, ok, the good is there with the bad.

All of the negative has been multiplied because I have been afraid. In writing and in phone calls home, I seem fearless and confident. I just say God is going to take care of us. Meaning, God is going to work out all the financial worries I have. He will make sure we have the fundraising we require to stay in Sierra Leone with our children, doing the work he has asked us to do. He will provide an easy path for the adoption and God will spell out our exact ministry in the sky. The fact is that isn’t necessarily his style. It is that underlying fear that has made my “No good, terrible, awful day” even worse.

God has provided so much. I can’t even begin to tell you how overwhelmed we are with the donations we have received. We love the people of Sierra Leone, we want to love them and show them to Jesus. To have other people come together with us and love the people of Sierra Leone with us, to aide us in getting out the message to them, it fills my heart. We cannot say thank you enough to those joining with us. In spite of the outpouring, the doubts fill me. What if we can’t raise the funds from here? What if we must return to the states to raise the remainder? How will I explain this to Hawa? To Maggie? How will we put aside a ministry we care so much about? How will I handle the pain of separating myself from my children? God, what could you possibly teach me through this?

Here’s where Job came in. He lost it all, and yet he praised God. Don’t get me wrong, the dude complained too. He lamented to God. He wanted to die. But he praised his maker in the same chapter. The verse that hit me this morning, is Job saying, God, even if you kill me, still I will praise you.

We attend church at The Raining Season church. This morning was such a wonderful service. If you have attended a church service with the kids you know how wonderful they are. But I have to say when you become one of them and you come to a service, it is even better. We are not quite the novelty we once were and so the kids and aunties and uncles worship completely unencumbered. It is so beautiful. Even more so, because it is no longer a novelty to me either and I find myself worshipping with as much abandon as they have. We sang a song that says God, we declare that we love you. We declare an everlasting love for you. I stopped singing and watched the orphaned children around me. I watched the aunties and uncles singing to heaven with me. I watched children who have come from the brink of death. I held Sara’s hand as she laughed and clapped. I watched Moses bounce up and down. I saw 3 of the older girls singing with arms wide and tears in their eyes. They were praising their maker just as Job.

I asked myself, what my kids would say if I asked why we should praise God. I think they would say because he gave us such incredible, amazing, funny, smart and doggone attractive parents. (I may have added to their actual statements)  They would thank God for a roof over their heads. They would thank God for food to eat. They would thank him for their toys and things they have.

Back to the room I was in. Some of these children were found in gutters. Abandoned. There are no parents, still they praise God. They have experienced no roof over their heads, yet they praise him. These kids know hunger. But they were whole heartedly declaring their love. Their “even if” happened and they are praising him.

Which brought me to my “even if”. I don’t know God’s will. I don’t know that all the financial issues will work themselves out. I don’t know if I will have to leave my children. I pray that I don’t but even if…

God is a big God. I lamented the things that brought me down this week and he’s ok with that. I praised him in the ways he lavished his love on me, he will take that too. But he wants me in the “even ifs” as well. Oh, my even ifs…

I wish I could wrap this up with a great happy ending that God told me it’s all good, baby girl, but I don’t know. I do know I am thinking about my “even if-s” and what that says about my faith. Not that I don’t have faith that he will work it all for my good, but even if what follows isn’t what I understand to be good, will I praise him?