I always sound better in print then I actually am. I’m sure
that reflects the rose colored glasses I see myself through. However,
occasionally God gives me a glimpse at who I am. More accurately, who he is and
how I view him.
In all honesty, I have not loved living life here over the
past few weeks. Maybe it’s really been more about me not loving life. (I’m not
ending it all or anything, put down the phone) I was let down by some people I loved.
What I thought God wanted from us, was not his full plan, I have had some very
sick kids, I just feel a little lost and some of the “cultural differences”
that I ordinarily would not worry about have started to make my eye twitch. Did
I mention we haven’t had power in 7 days?? A chicken, followed by a pack of
crazy wild dogs ran through my house while I was trying to clean my toilet! I
have had a royal pity party all week long. I have moped and been the biggest
whiner all week. I hate whiners!! It just leaked out of me. Of course, I
decided to do a study of Job in the midst of all this. You are about to turn
off your computer, aren’t you? Clearly, I am not the brightest bulb in the box.
I started this study with my kids. I will say it did lead to
some funny moments with Anna saying, “You gotta be kidding me!” and Ella
yelling, “Why does the dummy keep opening the door for these servants? They
will only bring bad news!” But it really boiled down to I was having what I
viewed as a bad week and I wanted to wallow with Job. I wanted to see that
someone at one time had it worse than me. I wanted to prove to myself that it
probably wasn’t as bad as it seemed cause, well, look at Job. I wanted to find
the exact point where God would tell me to stop my belly aching and put on my
big girl panties and move on. On a side note, I often think I will work as the
voice of God. I sometimes believe I need to be convicted of things and here is
how and where he will do his convicting… sort of a controlled life changing
experience. It’s quite impressive really. I am so disillusioned as to be my own
Holy Spirit from time to time. Call me if you too would like to live in my
virtual reality.
This week God chose to love me. There wasn’t a correction.
There wasn’t a person sent to me to make me say, wow, I’ve got it good. He just
loved me. He also asked me a question. Ok, so he didn’t literally ask me, but
it is a question that keeps playing in my head and I’m pretty sure it’s his.
I got a counter in our kitchen this week. We have had a small
stove and small sink but nowhere for me to prepare food and nowhere to store
anything, so I have had boxes stacked on top of each other. To get this counter
was really a wonderful thing to me. Small, I know, but it was big in this
house. I found Ella a pair of sandals that I have desperately been looking for.
No one had malaria this week! I made a really wonderful new friend and spent
some much needed bonding time with existing friends. Aubrey was able to go to a
friend’s house for the weekend. I went to a wonderful dance party and danced
until my feet hurt. I got a stain out of a shirt that I thought was ruined. (Obviously
these aren’t always great victories, but I am counting them all.) Every time
one of these events occurred I had to stand back and say, ok, the good is there
with the bad.
All of the negative has been multiplied because I have been
afraid. In writing and in phone calls home, I seem fearless and confident. I
just say God is going to take care of us. Meaning, God is going to work out all
the financial worries I have. He will make sure we have the fundraising we
require to stay in Sierra Leone with our children, doing the work he has asked
us to do. He will provide an easy path for the adoption and God will spell out
our exact ministry in the sky. The fact is that isn’t necessarily his style. It
is that underlying fear that has made my “No good, terrible, awful day” even
worse.
God has provided so much. I can’t even begin to tell you how
overwhelmed we are with the donations we have received. We love the people of
Sierra Leone, we want to love them and show them to Jesus. To have other people
come together with us and love the people of Sierra Leone with us, to aide us
in getting out the message to them, it fills my heart. We cannot say thank you
enough to those joining with us. In spite of the outpouring, the doubts fill
me. What if we can’t raise the funds from here? What if we must return to the
states to raise the remainder? How will I explain this to Hawa? To Maggie? How
will we put aside a ministry we care so much about? How will I handle the pain
of separating myself from my children? God, what could you possibly teach me
through this?
Here’s where Job came in. He lost it all, and yet he praised
God. Don’t get me wrong, the dude complained too. He lamented to God. He wanted
to die. But he praised his maker in the same chapter. The verse that hit me
this morning, is Job saying, God, even if you kill me, still I will praise you.
We attend church at The Raining Season church. This morning
was such a wonderful service. If you have attended a church service with the
kids you know how wonderful they are. But I have to say when you become one of
them and you come to a service, it is even better. We are not quite the novelty
we once were and so the kids and aunties and uncles worship completely
unencumbered. It is so beautiful. Even more so, because it is no longer a
novelty to me either and I find myself worshipping with as much abandon as they
have. We sang a song that says God, we declare that we love you. We declare an
everlasting love for you. I stopped singing and watched the orphaned children
around me. I watched the aunties and uncles singing to heaven with me. I
watched children who have come from the brink of death. I held Sara’s hand as
she laughed and clapped. I watched Moses bounce up and down. I saw 3 of the
older girls singing with arms wide and tears in their eyes. They were praising
their maker just as Job.
I asked myself, what my kids would say if I asked why we
should praise God. I think they would say because he gave us such incredible,
amazing, funny, smart and doggone attractive parents. (I may have added to
their actual statements) They would thank
God for a roof over their heads. They would thank God for food to eat. They
would thank him for their toys and things they have.
Back to the room I was in. Some of these children were found
in gutters. Abandoned. There are no parents, still they praise God. They have
experienced no roof over their heads, yet they praise him. These kids know
hunger. But they were whole heartedly declaring their love. Their “even if”
happened and they are praising him.
Which brought me to my “even if”. I don’t know God’s will. I
don’t know that all the financial issues will work themselves out. I don’t know
if I will have to leave my children. I pray that I don’t but even if…
God is a big God. I lamented the things that brought me down
this week and he’s ok with that. I praised him in the ways he lavished his love
on me, he will take that too. But he wants me in the “even ifs” as well. Oh, my
even ifs…
I wish I could wrap this up with a great happy ending that
God told me it’s all good, baby girl, but I don’t know. I do know I am thinking
about my “even if-s” and what that says about my faith. Not that I don’t have
faith that he will work it all for my good, but even if what follows isn’t what
I understand to be good, will I praise him?
